a troperiffic badly named Mary Sue parody
by readerboy7
Summary: A parody of Mary Sues and bad-fics in general. I suck at summaries please R&R. See? The parody has already begun
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: this chapter was originally written with multiple typos for the parody, but I decided to remove most of them as they were annoying readers.**

Disclaimer: this was written by an insane author who wanted to write a Mary Sue parody, while trying to get every possible tick in the TvTropes Fanfiction Drinking Game that isn't fandom-specific or NSFW. If I didn't add this disclaimer, copyright police would break my door down. I Do Not Own/Please don't sue

Magdeline Adonai Raven Ydonna Sarah Umberto Ebony had sparking sapphire orbs for eyes, sparkling hair golder then the sun, and despite being only twelve, Magdeniegn's orbs (both sets) were bigger than Tsunaede's. she was a civilian, until, one day, the day of the genin graduation exam's she decided to become a ninja, despite not having shown the slightest interest in it before. Most civilians don't want to join the military, after all. Not needing to tell her parents what she was doing since they're dead, she galloped to the Hokage's office to ask to become a ninja. She was immediately allowed to have a private meeting with him immediately, despite most people having to wait for weeks to have the Hokage have a meeting with them.

"Yes Magdeleign you can have your genin test immediately. despite not having any experience manipulating you're chakra you may go to the academy building and give Iruka this note. Also, why are you a pony Malderin?"

"I needed to become a pony to join the military. It will go away later and I will be dressed in excruciatingly described clothes that don't exist in this reality. Now give me the note."

Maglednin then went to the academy where she saw Naruto being failed for not being able to do the Hitsuji-Mi-Tora Bunshin no jutsu (Ram-Snake-Tiger Art of the Doppleganger), so she taught him the shadow clone technique even though she has been constantly described as having no knowledge of chakra whatsoever. Then she accused Mizuki as being a traitor to the village. Despite not having evidence for this claim, her speech was so arousing that every ninja in the world showed up to arrest him. Now that half the plot for chapter one had been annihilated, she announced to Naruto that she was his daughter from the future, produced from one of many wives (everyone lost count after the sixth hundredth) and had come to set things right. She was also the jinchūriki of all 108 biiju, which is why she gravitated to him, as he was the jinchūriki of the Kyūbi.

Then she took the graduation test, wowing Iruka with her skill so much that he announced she should become a sannin rank, but he couldn't do that since the rank didn't exist, so she had to become a genin.

"Oh my Jashin! You are so amazing that I well set aside my quest to kill my brother and create a marriage law to marry you despite being only twelve!"

Sakura then dropped dead of a broken heart, having undergone Death by Adaption. Then got back up and continued walking since this has no continuity whatsoever and more plot holes than a sponge. Maplelinn picked up a cute puppy and named it George. She then turned back into a human, who was wearing goffic clothes, which are identical to those of her best friend Ebony Darkness Demenria Waven Ray.

AN: If each of you readers don't send fifty trillion reviews I will not update, I will do something horrible to you or George instead.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: The Xtremely kool advenxures: Maydelinn: A Parody Sue: Chapter TWO!

A/N: I will not abuse my word processor with bad spelling anymore (except for character names). Feel free to breathe a sigh of relief.

Madlelinn went to the ninja academy to be assigned teams, on the way there, she encountered Konohamaru and Naruto, giving them tips for their Oiroke no jutsu even though that contradicts the timeline. She then used the ultimate version of the Harem no jutsu on Ebisu when he came running in and referring to Naruto as an 'it' in his internal monologue, thus giving every man (and a large proportion of women) in the world a large nosebleed. Ibesu himself had such a large nosebleed that he flew off into space and hit the moon, before bouncing off it and falling back to the planet onto the Land of Waves, hitting Gateau as he did so, thus killing him. Incidentally, this made it impossible to use the Moons Eye Plan and the shockwave from Ebisu's return somehow finished building the bridge. It got called Great Naruto Bridge anyway.

At the academy, Iruka announced the teams.

"Team Seven will be Uzukaci Naruto, Mardelynn Adoynay Raven Ydona Sara Umbereto Evony and Uchiha Assuke. Sakura was removed because we felt her punching of teammates for humorous purposes was somehow violent, even though practically every female anime character does this."

As the team waited for thirty hours in a locked room for their sensei, a blue police box materialised, and Sherlock Holmes and the Winchester family went out, looked around in boredom and entered the TARDIS before it departed with a vworping sound.

21 hours after that, Kakashi walked in.

"Sorry I'm late. I was trying to think of a good excuse for being late and lost track of time. Well, why don't we go up to the roof and introduce ourselves?

"My name is Naruto Uzumaki. I like Maydeline nii-san and ramen. I suddenly hate Sakura for no good reason and am going to become a jerk in a failed attempt to become edgy."

"My name is Sasuke. I love Maydelyne and will abandon my ambition of killing my brother to marry her. I also like tomatoes."

"My name is Maidelin. My parents favoured me, faked their death and abandoned my brother to orphanhood and torture at the hands of the villagers because they thought I was the Kyuubi Jinchūriki. I also have every kekkai genkai imaginable and some that aren't. The reason I don't have the same surnames as my parents, Minato and Lily shall be promptly ignored. My parents granted my every whim but despite that I am not spoilt at all and am a perfectly sweet girl. Now skip the bell test because we obviously have perfect teamwork and I can't be bothered to go through that here since it'll involve you belittling me."

And with that our protagonist proceeded to teach Naruto that Kage Bunshin transmits memories to the creator. He then got a kool sword from the only person in the village who didn't hate him and spent thirty chapters in a training montage before remaining exactly as competent as he was in canon.

The next few weeks remained the same as they were in canon. Naruto and Sasuke did the exact same things as they would have otherwise, apart from the fact that Sasuke constantly flirted with Maideline. They then got a C-ranked mission: protect a bridge builder called Tazuna.

Maydenin saw the suspicious puddle and proceeded to use the water prison jutsu on the inhabitants. Kakashi praised his student for her excellence (not that he needed to, for saying she was excellent was akin to saying that fire is hot). They then proceeded to continue to Wave, only to see, when they were close to their destination, a white rabbit!

A/N: My update schedule will vary due to exams. Also, I am having severe difficulties thinking up unique misspellings for my OC.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, that aint gonna change. Don't bother suing.

"Speaking"

_Thinking_

**"Demon speaking"**

**_Demon thinking_**

'Technique'

Eating

Cleaning

Now that I've wasted half a page on that, let's continue our parody!

While he was walking down the road to Wave, Kakashi asked a question that he'd been meaning to ask for a long time. "Masegin, which of your names are your firs names, and which ones are your surnames? It's hard to tell."

"Since you ask, my first names are"

Maydlyn,

Adonya,

Raven and

Ydonna. My last names are

Sarha,

Umbarto and

Evoni. My parents thought that the first letters of my names were significant somehow. No idea why, since the Japanese language (the language we are speaking right now) has a completely different way of doing acronyms. Xièxie for asking."

"Xièxie is Mandarin Chinese. You meant Arigato." Said Kakashi, correcting Medeleine.

"That's impossible because I am perfect. Xièxie is Japanese because I said it is and I am never wrong, do you hear me Hatake-Teme!?"

"Wow! Even though you insulted me harshly and I should be punishing you, you are so attractive with your rudeness and general jerkiness that I will marry you as soon as you become old enough for it not to be creepy!"

Then they got on the boat to Uzu, exiting the featureless white void they were previously in.

Once they exited the boat, a white rabbit came bouncing towards them, but Maydeleneignen killed it immediately as she realised it was a trap. She then caught the kwl sword that flew towards her, never mind the fact that it was flying so fast it should have degloved her or something. However, she is so attractive (both in Helens and Gravitons) that her skin stayed on her instead of flying away.

She then beat up Zabuza Momochi, even though Momochi Zabuza was an elete ANBU and she was a genin. No one noticed this disparity, since she was obviously perfect. Just as she was about to strike the paralysing blow (since good girls don't kill) a male hinter-nin came and struck senbon in Zabuza.

"Why did you steal my kill?" asked madlen.

The hunternin bowed as she dragged her target away. "I apologise, but I have been tracking this man for a long time, and must retrieve him. Goodbye!" said he.

Immediately after, Kakashi was struck down by chakra exhaustion, since this plot is as railroaded as possible while keeping our magnificentious cerulean-orbed protagonist.

When they arrived to Tazuna's house, Inari immediately began his no-heroes rant despite this not should've happened for much longer. Then our female straw-haired kunoichi stopped him.

"You think you had a bad life? When I was a baby, my parents hated me and kept trying to kill me. As I grew older, they started hiring other people to do so for them. I lost count after assassination attempt number fifty-seven thousand, eight-hundred and six, when a weasel-masked man tried to dump me in hydrochloric acid for the fifth time when I was two months old. When I was three, my third father sacrificed his life to stop a two hundred and fifty six tailed beast from destrying the universe for the fourth time. Don't tell me heroes don't exist. Don't tell me you have the most tragic past in existence. You don't!"

Then she went up to her room to angst, pausing only to say "Zabuza's still alive, so we need to do a training montage starting tomorrow, making people assume that my teammates haven't been training super-extra-doubleplus-hard so they can achieve their goals. Also Naruto, even though Maito Guy and Lee Rock wear neon spandex and the person I replaced in this fic wears red, your orange jumpsuit which is actually normal clothes needs to be burnt and replaced with angsty black clothes, which will cause you to become a Naruto In Name Only (and eventually not even that, as you change your name to be edgy). You all understand that? Good. Bye!"


	4. Chapter 4

The next day, the four of them went into the nearby forest so that they could learn how to climb trees without using their hands. Kakashi planned to just calmly walk to the tree and continue walking up, but then Mayargdeleign did it herself.

"How do you know how to do that, Ms Sahara?" asked Kakashi.

"I just do, even though most jōnin-sensei don't teach their students this for months, and it has only been one for us." Said the kunoichi of Team Seven. "I also know how to walk on water, despite the fact that that chakra control exercise is chūnin level. Additionally, I know wind chakra manipulation and can split a waterfall in two, despite most wind chakra manipulators being happy to merely split a leaf, unless they're jōnin. Plus, I know sage mode, and I learnt all that before I was conceived in my parent's womb. Also, why did you call me by my last name?"

To which Kakashi answered "the author is running out of misspellings for your first name, so he's decided to switch to the other six for now." then a light switched off in Kakashi's brain, and he lost the ability to break the fourth wall. Then Kakashi gave his other two students instructions on how to perform the exercise. Kakashi sat down on a nearby tree stump, reading his book while smiling beneath his mask.

The next few days passed by in the same fashion. One time, when Naruto passed out from training, he was woken up by a girl.

"Good morning! What are you doing? Can I help?" was what Naruto said to the other boy in the clearing. She explained that he was picking herbs for his sick friend, and if Naruto could help her that would be great. Naruto had just been about to pick his first herb when his female teammate's angelic voice swept through the clearing.

"Don't help him! She's the fake hunter-nin that's working for Zabuza, and if you give that boy herbs her employer will heal faster!"

Caught in the act, the enemy shinobi ran as fast as his legs could carry her.

Despite that change, the battle on the bridge still happened in the exact same time in the exact same place. Obviously, Mdln saved the day by defeating Zabuza. However, she didn't do it fast enough to stop Kyūbi!Naruto from fatally injuring Haku. However, something amasing happened before their eyes. Haku split into two, one male and one female.

The Hakus would have done the first thing that any fanfiction character would have done when meeting another version of themselves, namely Screw Yourself. However, Male!Haku was dying despite Fem!Haku being perfectly fine, and she wasn't a necrophile. So Haku only had a chance to pledge his undying love to the yellow-haired angel who had defeated his master before dying himself. The female Haku was perfectly fine, and was not injured at all, since she never dies.

"By now, Naruto's chakra control was perfectly good, more than enough to perform an ordinary bunshin, and his control would get even better as he trained, culminating to the near-perfect chakra control he would need for Sage Mode. Despite this, people would always comment on his terrible chakra control, thinking he never got any." Said Maderine.

"And just how do you know this, she of the beautiful blue eyes?" asked Sasuke.

"I'm Naruto and Hinata's son, Bolt, sent to the past under a permanent oiroke to help them get married, since my sister has already half-disappeared from this photograph. I was originally sent here so that I could see how much worse my parents had their lives than I did. I just complained that my dad never had time for me since he became Hokage a few days before I came back in time. I really look practically identical to how Dad does now, down to the whiskers, as he also had them the moment he was born, and could pass for him if I removed the oiroke and changed my clothes. All hail Generation Xerox!" answered Mayardgelenig.

And with that, they continued on their walk back to Konoha, having skipped the Gateau vs Inari fight, as he had been effortlessly defeated by the kunoichi of the team. Despite this, the bridge was still called The Great Naruto Bridge.

**A/N: I will reference something in the next chapter that necessitates increasing the rating. Plus, threatening to increase the rating is on the Drinking Game List.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: you may want to have brain bleach handy when you read a certain portion of this. Just warning you now.**

After the team got back to Konoha, there was a timeskip that Kakashi spent training his team. Unfortunately, the training was stuff such as taijutsu practice, and thus not important enough to waste a training montage on. Because of this, people assume it never happened.

After the timeskip, team seven met three Suna genin on the streets of the village. Sasuke was about to ask what they were doing in Konoha, but was interrupted by MadIin.

"They're here for the Chūnin Exams, of course."

Those words sounded like a choir of heavenly angels to Gaara and Kankuro.

"I love you with all my heart!" Said Gaara. "I shall do anything for you if I may win your heart, even if I have to stop randomy killing people for Mother!"

Beside him, Kankuro said pretty much the same thing, only without the killing. Team seven then left so that Madiln could order Kakashi to enter them into the Chūnin Exams.

On the day of the exam, they went to the exam room, Team Seven's kunoichi easily bypassing the room sign illusion and the genjutsu on the stairwell making it feel like the team had walked for longer than they really had. Once they got to the correct floor, they made their way to team Gai.

"Wow" said Neji, looking at the beauty in front of him. "Your long hair the colour of straw, your perfect lips, your heels angling just right… May I ask who your parents are? They must have been people of exceptional greatness to create such a being as you, who is aided at all turns by the whims of fate."

Then Mardein began her speech. "My parents are Naruto and Sasuke. Once when they were twenty, Naruto decided to experiment with Oiroke no jutsu. I was then conceived within Naruto, even as she turned back into a guy. For some reason my growth within the womb was vastly accelerated, and I would have been born nine days after conception, but there was a problem. There was no hole for me to leave in.

"The doctors tried caesarean incision, but Naruto's healing was too fast for it to work, and he couldn't use oiroke to create a hole because it would have killed me. So I just grew and grew.

"At some point, my mass grew so great that I had a noticeable gravitational effect on the tides. Then the moon itself was pulled to me. As I grew within the womb, so did objects get pulled towards me, and get added to my mass. The asteroid belt, the planets, and even the sun got pulled towards me. I think I was around four months when the Dog Star got pulled unto me. At nine months, I devoured the black hole in the centre of the galaxy; then became a Black Hole myself. Therefore the sheer warping of reality broke the space-time continuum and sent me back to the past, in the body of a normal sized baby after which I was found and adopted by farmers."

For a moment, Sasuke wondered if he should stop being so in love with his teammate, as she was his teammate with _Error. File cannot be found due to being erased with Brain Bleach. Brain Bleach. For all your anti mental trauma needs. _Then he realised that this was FFNet, where blood relationships between people made pairings more desirable, not less.

Something curious had happened to Rock Lee when he met her. He would have been instantly enamoured with the person the straw-haired, cerulean eyed kunoichi had replaced. This was driven so much into overdrive with the person in front of him; however, that he crossed the line twice, and rolled back to become The Only Sane Man.

"What." Said he. "Seriously, none of this makes any sense whatsoever. How can you, Neji, be so enamoured with someone you just met? And you, whatever your name is. Even if I accepted all that M-preg stuff as possible, which it obviously is not, your science doesn't parse.

"Sirius, the Dog Star, is 8.2 light-years away. Even if both you and it travelled at the speed of light directly towards each other, it would have taken 4.1 years minimum and – how do I know all this stuff? Is there some kind of genjutsu here that's making me hallucinate this? Must be. It's the only possibility that makes sense."

And with that, Rock lee formed the Tiger seal, shouting "Kai!" as he did so.

"How did you do that!? I thought you had deformed chakra coils or something!" shouted random genin number 358.

"Seriously? Why does everyone think that I'm disabled? I just suck at nin and genjutsu, that's all. Neji, Tenten, I'm getting out of here before this madness infects me too." With that, he grabbed his teammates by the shoulders and dragged them into the exam room proper.


	6. Chapter 6

Team seven made their way into the examination room, in which they were assigned random numbers. The sheer randomness should have forced the seating arrangement to be different from canon, but since the author is lazy, the seating arrangement was identical to canon. Mayarghdelein got the exam sheet and immediately figured out the answers to the questions without needing any working or anything, because she's just that much of a Sue. She also immediately figured out the purpose of the tenth question. She then spent the next 44 minutes and 59.98 seconds (the 0.02 seconds were spent writing down the answers) waiting in perfect silence until the tenth question was announced.

When it was she still waited in silence, although she did get out a comb to remove the non-existant flaws in her perfect hair. After a while, she announced the true purpose of the test. Then she went to the area outside of training ground forty-four, the Forest of Death. There she spotted a snake-tongued person of sannin rank who was pretending to be a genin. As he hadn't looked at her yet, he hadn't fallen in love with her and been redeemed, but she knew it would happen soon, which is why she didn't reveal him to Anko.

The straw-haired, cerulean eyed, pinked lipped kunoichi lead her team into the forest. she spotted a team nearby whom she knew had a scroll of opposite type to hers, so she lead them there. she ambushed the team, even though she's a Purity Sue who never does anything wrong, as she wasn't doing wrong by ninga standards. Then they strolled through the forest until they encountered… dun dun duhn… a giant snake!

As the giant snake approached, the team thought they heard weird foreign language chanting. (_Líbera me, Dómine, de morte ætérna, in die illa treménda._) then the snake appeared and devoured Naruto. (_Quando cœli movéndi sunt et terra._) As the snake faced Man appeared, there was an earthquake and the sky burst (_Dum véneris iudicáre sǽculum per ignem._) The trees burst into flame, and then Orochimaru caught sight of her. (_Tremens factus sum ego, et tímeo, dum discússio vénerit, atque ventúra ira._)

"Impressive specimen, aren't you? You know, if you were a boy, you'd be more suited to my preferences than Sasuke. Or maybe I could use a gender-swap jutsu on you, and then perhaps implant Sasuke's sharingan! Possibilities, so many possibilities… I quiver in anticipation."

(_Quando cœli movendi sunt et terra._) "What!? But that's not possible! You're supposed to fall for me at first sight! Don't bother telling me it's because you're evil and don't feel love. It works even better on evil people! You should be falling at your knees and renouncing your evil ways!"

(_Dies illa, dies iræ, calamitátis et misériæ, dies magna et amára valde._) "This day isn't working out for you, is it? First that Rock Lee boy fails to fall for your charms, now I respond to my love for you in a creepy snake-paedophile way. Just one calamity after another during this day of wrath, isn't it?"

(_Dum véneris iudicáre sǽculum per ignem._) Then Orochimaru waved his hand and the whole forest blazed into fire, while our protagonist picked up Sasuke and carried him to a tactical retreat. Along the way they re-encountered Naruto, who had a strange orange energy bubbling off of him, burning his skin and shirt, but not pants for some reason. (_Réquiem ætérnam dona eis, Dómine: et lux perpétua lúceat eis._) then Magdelin raised her hands above her head, clapped, and shouted "Swiper No Swiping No Jutsu!"

For a moment all was peaceful, then a 'kekekeke' broke them out of their reprieve.

"Seriously, did you think that would work? I'm the Big Bad! I experimented on babies! I torture people alive! I sacrifice my own men so that I can tear the dead from their eternal rest! I cannot be saved. I cannot be killed. And I Cannot. Be Redeemed!" As Orochimaru said this, a thunderclap came. The author realised that he'd painted himself into a corner, so he sent in Pein because the only way to make a Deus ex Machina remotely salvageable is to make it literal.

"Orochimaru, we art willing to let thou back into Akatsuki if thy come now". Said he. Orochimaru seemed to consider this, then said "I'll be back" and shunshined away. Team seven all breathed out a sigh of relief, then the male members collapsed from exhaustion.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: How the hell did this fic get Cerebus Syndrome? Also, the Latin used symbols that might not show up properly on FFNet, so I might have to edit it later.  
><strong>


	7. Chapter 7

"That never happened." Mayrdeklene said. "Chapter six never happened. We regard it as a Big Lipped Alligator Moment, pretend everything happened identical to can**_n_**on except for Kyūbi mode, Sasuke got the curse scar anyway, and that's it. Understand, boys?"

They didn't. marteline had started losing her class green powers ever since she had met Rock Lee, who had spurned her charms, and made her glamour fail. That or the author was getting bored with her, and wanted to move onto greater things. So although they did repress the memory of the previous chapter, it didn't fade entirely, nor did Sasuke's curse mark stay entirely stable, flashing off at the oddest moments. It was in this state that the team – tired, exhausted and confused – arrived at the tower. Maygedine figured out the riddle, but in .2 seconds, not a millionth of a plank time as she might have previously done, despite it being physically impossible to measure time that precisely. Still, the team made their way up the tower to rest before the prelims.

Despite the fact that preliminary battles practically never happen, the golden haired kunoichi, who was wearing the exact same clothes she has always worn, knew they would. She could see it in her blissful ceruliam orbs every time she saw her own reflection. Still, she wondered, perhaps the reflection was slightly tarnished? Some actual imperfections, not just ones that accentuated her beauty or made her Sueitiful All Along could be seen in it?

Naah, that was impossible. She put her hand mirror away, which she had somehow taken through the Forest of Death, and thus sealed her fate.

Perhaps she might have been able to prevent the future events from happening if she had looked a moment longer, and seen her golden hair begin to fade to the colour of a date.

She could have still warped reality; changed herself back to how she always wanted to be. But by the time she would wake up for the prelims, it would be now too late.

8_8_8

Madeline went down to the hall where the prelims were held. Some of the matchups, like Hinata vs Neji, were the same as canon, but some people fought the wrong opponents, although the same people went to the finals. Finally it was time for our blue eyed kunoichi to fight Ino.

Before MArdegin could make a move, Ino yelled "Shintenshin no jutsu!"

This technique should have given Ino control over her opponent's body. However, because of some yin/yang dichotomy green reality diffractions (AKA chakra based technobabble) she was forced inside her mind instead. Ino was quickly pushed out, but not before making some startling discoveries, and learning a new technique.

"You're not real! You have no past. You're just an empty space in the history of our world. Killing you would be nothing but removing an abandoned cobweb!" shouted Ino.

"That's a lie! I died in a chakraless world, and was reborn here! I'm an orphan with a tragic past! I am Sasuke's OTP! Don't you dare tell me I'm not real!" And with that, she got up, jumped, and put a kunai to Ino's chest.

Ino was desperate. She needed to get out of here, but how? Her only resort was to use the technique she had gleaned from her opponent's mind.

"Kuchiyose: Deus Ex Machina no jutsu!"

An object appeared. Everyone could see that it looked like a cube floating in midair, yet it had seven identical sides. A seven sided cube, made up of levers, joints and gears. Awed at the impossible sight, everyone's eyes were drawn to it as the machine activated. Gears whirred and joints clicked as the box expanded unto itself. Then the box opened and out stepped God. He waved his hand, and eradicated The Sue of the Many Pasts from existence, leaving Ino as the winner of the fight. He then pressed the Reset Button and stepped back into the machine, back to whence he came. And all was well. Sakura was restored to her canon position, and Madeline was forgotten.

Until the next Parody Sue arrived, obviously.

**A/N: I killed off Madeline, as I've lost interest in it. I also don't want to write this story much anymore. Sorry to the one person who cares. Since FFnet doesn't let you do a chapter that's just an AN, you had this last chapter. Hope you a more literal Deus ex Machina (latin for god from the machine) than that of the previous chapter! Also, SCP shoutouts.**


End file.
